Chaotic Mental State

Ever been at one of those silly crossroad parts of your life, where everything makes sense, but thats why you cant choose.
Where you cant even decide whether you want milk in your coffee any more?

Im there right now... There's so much in my life that i want to do and so very much im sure i CAN do.
But i still cant do it. Stuck in Limbo as it were.
Waiting for something, anyhing to stand out from the rest, because the problem is that everything is an option.

Too many options....

I'm not sure who i am anymore, i dont know what group i identify with, where i fit in the crappy grand scheme of things. I know some stuff, i've been told by literally a few people that im intelligent, but maybe that might be the problem, im not sure of my limits yet.

I have ideas... plenty of ideas... more than i can get down on paper.
I keep thinking and thinking and thinking and its driving me insane.
Stuck in a dimension where my thoughts echo into the distance and returns to me yelling and swirling and chiming like a thousand different bells in my head.
Nothing is audible.... only noise.

Whats worse is when i have a fantastic idea.
It usually fizzles to nothing, or i get bored, or sidetracked, or yet again someone demands my attention for a certain time and date and im stuck having to help them with their dreams.
I wish i could get away from the noise and DO something, but the buzzing and ringing and swirling and chiming keeps driving me to nothing.

Im stuck.
The rest of my life seems to be trapped by obligations and yellow tape. To college, parents, friends, the government stopping me from driving, just... trapped.
Im trapped with even trying to get a job i might like, because college hours prevent me from being able to hold down a stable job along with the undeniable fact that i cant drive anywhere, so i'll always be relying on other people to try and get places when public transport fails me for yet another throwdown.

Im utterly trapped, trapped within my mind, trapped in time, trapped in place, and because of this.... One thought... One thought keeps resonating and yelling and poking the gooey centre of my mind so much i can barely take it any more, getting louder and louder and louder driving me further and further.

But what worries me, is that it makes sense. It makes sense to me, and i hide it, beneath my layers of lies and more lies, not because i want to lie to people, but that there's so little of me there, that the lies are the most real thing about me.

Im also worried because of my dreams, i used to have dreams... so many dreams, usually of the future, of things that i will experience in my life, and i've been through so many bouts of deja vu because of them. But i dont have many anymore. Like i dont have a future anymore....

Suicide is my thought. And it lies in wait like a panther waiting in the rushes to pounce, but luring me in, like a dog to a bone inside a kennel. i know it makes sense, i know what happens, but i think its the only choice i can actually choose, without lying anyway...

The thought keeps getting louder and louder, echoing like a ripple in the pond, louder and louder as i fear my days draw nearer and nearer to what i perceive as the end.

I keep rushing you know.... rushing to make something of myself and make my life valuable. Or interesting, and yet, i cant find a purpose, i cant find a truth, im lost... trying to make something out of nothing before the thought consumes me and im not me, so i cant make something out of myself.

I dont want it to, but it roars and braces itself ready to pounce and push me into madness or death. To make me lose myself, to ruin me..... i want something to recognise me, to get through this stage in my life will be easy.

But it wont last long. i'll get through it, but then there'll be nothing left, an empty shell wondering who he is, or why he is. when there is no resolve to anything.